"Here is the current list of Alternative Professions. Based mainly on what we look like, (and, I'd just like to stress, it's how we are seen by others, we are not allowed to make up our own) this is a whimsical view of what musicians might have done for a living had they not chosen the path of daytime television and never having a new car."
David Newton
BRUCE ADAMSPRESIDENT OF EASTERN EUROPEAN COUNTRY
DOMINIC ALLDISFRENCH RIVIERA CAT BURGLAR
BRANDON ALLENHIGH CLASS PIMP
HARRY ALLENMAJOR LEAGUE BASE-BALL PLAYER
SIMON ALLENBOOKIE’S RUNNER
GILL ALEXANDERHEAD OF M I 5
ARGUILLES BROSVENETIAN GONDALIERS
MARK ARMSTRONGARCHBISHOP’S ASSISTANT
GILAD ATZMONHEART TRANSPLANT SURGEON
DOMINIC ASHWORTHAXE MURDERER
ROBIN ASPLANDARCHAEOLOGIST / ADVENTURER
ROY BABBINGTONPOACHER
GARY BALDWINLANDSCAPE GARDENER
 nice bit of lawn, couple o’ beds…..your talking at least ten grand
IAN BALLAMYCOFFEE-BAR WAITER
DENYS BAPTISTEALL DAY BREAKFAST CAFE PROPRIETER
GUY BARKERPEOPLE’S PEER
ALAN BARNESTICKET COLLECTOR ON CHANNEL TUNNEL SERVICES
  (Temporary appointment)
JOHN BARNESCRICKET UMPIRE
DAVE BARRYCELEBRITY CHEF
COLIN BATESPALEONTOLOGIST
IAN BATEMANRINGMASTER
PETE BEACHILLVILLAGE BOBBY
TED BEAMONTNIGHT WATCHMAN
ROGER BEAUJOLAISGROOM
PATRICK BETTISONRODEO RIDER
PETER BILLINGTONASSISTANT ZOO-KEEPER
CHRIS BISCOETEA TASTER
DAVE BISHOPDEBT COLLECTOR
PAUL BOOTHCABARET ARTIST
MIKE BRADLEYTV REPAIRMAN
NATHAN BRAYSTOCKMARKET TRADER
JEREMY BROWNOSTRICH FARMER
ROD BROWNDRIVING TEST EXAMINER
STEVE BROWNTOUR DE FRANCE CYCLIST
BILL BRUFORDTREE SURGEON
SAM BURGESSGO-KART ATTENDANT
RICHARD BUSIAKIEWICZRACE HORSE OWNER
GENE CALDARAZZOEXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT
 ….or SHOESHINE, or DISQUALIFIED WIMBLEDON SEMI-FINALIST
HEATHER CAIRNCROSSSCHOOL NIT INSPECTOR
JANUZ CARMELLOCAPTAIN OF A SMALL CAR FERRY
MIKE CARRWRESTLING REFEREE
BEN CASTLEKEY GRIP
GEOFF CASTLEDOLPHIN FEEDER
MARIO CASTRONARIKIDNAPPER’S RIGHT HAND MAN
PETE CATERHOSPITAL PORTER
DAVE CHAMBERLAINTHE LAST FRENCH ONION SELLER
KELVIN CHRISTIANETHEATRE SET DESIGNER
GINO CIANCIOFAIRGROUND PROPRIETOR
SANDRO CIANCIOINDEPENDENT EXHAUST SYSTEM FITTER
NIGEL CLARKASSASSIN
PAUL CLARVISCOSMONAUT
BEN CLATWORTHYBIG BROTHER CONTESTANT
LEON CLAYTONPROPRIETOR OF A FANCY-DRESS SHOP
ANDY CLEYNDERTAUCTIONEER
DAVE CLIFFPAINTER AND DECORATOR
WINSTON CLIFFORDBUS CONDUCTOR
CATE CODYOCCULTIST’S VIRGIN SACRIFICE
TONY COEMAZE DESIGNER
DAVE COLTONCOPPER’S NARK
PETER COOKTATTOO ARTIST
ELLIE CORPFLORIST
ALYN COSKERSHOESHOP ASSISTANT
LAWRENCE COTTLEMILKMAN
JAY CRAIGBENT COP
MALCOLM CREESEJEHOVAH’S WITNESS
JOHN CRITCHENSONMAGICIAN
MARK CROOKSP.E. TEACHER
GARY CROSBYSHEPHERD
ANDY CROWDYIRONMONGER
JAMIE CULLUMACTOR
MIKE CYPHERBAKER
KIM CYPHERMAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT
MITCH DALTONTV HISTORIAN
ALEC DANKWORTHTORTURER
JACQUI DANKWORTHNURSE
TIM DAWESDOCTOR WHO’S DAD
JOHN DAYMANAGER OF BUTLINS (MINEHEAD)
BRIAN DEEROMAN CENTURION
ELAINE DELMARMUD-WRESTLER
ANDY DICKENSWINCHESTER TOWN CRIER
BARNABY DICKENSONSHIRTMAKER
IAIN DIXONOWNER OF COCONUT SHY,
  CARAVAN (TWO SMALL CHILDREN – TSHIRTS, NO PANTS)
JOHN DONALDSONDRAMA TEACHER
PHIL DONKINPAVEMENT ARTIST
JIM DOUGLAS.TUG-BOAT ENGINEER..
 “There’s things goin’ roon an’ roon when they should be goin’ up and doon”!
KIT DOWNESPHOTOGRAPHY STUDENT (NOTTINGHAM)
MALCOLM EARL SMITHEDITOR OF ‘WHAT CARAVAN’ MAGAZINE
MARK EDWARDSJEWSON’S TRADE SALES (THE LUCKY ONE WHO GETS TO WORK INDOORS)
KENNY ELLISIMPRESSIONIST PAINTER
KURT ELLINGFILM DIRECTOR
JOHN ETHRIDGE.OPEN UNIVERSITY LECTURER IN FINE ARTS
RICHARD EXALLOLYMPIC STARTING GUN OFFICIAL
DIGBY FAIRWEATHERPSYCHIATRIC NURSE
GEORGIE FAMEBINGO CALLER
TOM FARMERFARMER
NICOLA FARNONSERVICE-WASH OPERATOR
THE FISHWICK BROTHERSREFUGEES FROM EASTERN EUROPEAN COUNTRY (see Bruce Adams)
LIZ FLETCHERREFLEXOLOGIST
MARK FLETCHERSWIMMING POOL ATTENDANT
JO FOOKESFIRST WORLD WAR AMBULANCE DRIVER
STEWART FORBESSOUS CHEF
ROBERT FOWLERMID-SHIPMAN
NIGEL FOXINVENTOR
NICK FRANCESAILING INSTRUCTOR
ADRIAN FRYVINTAGE MOTORBIKE AND SIDECAR COLLECTOR
SCOTT GARLANDSERGEANT-MAJOR IN THE MILITARY TRANSITION TEAM SERVING IN BASRA
TIM GARLANDNOVELIST
ALEX GARNETTTURKISH BATH ATTENDANT
GEOFF GASCOYNECRICKET COMMENTATOR
JONATHAN GEEHIGH WIRE ACT
RAY GELATOSOHO NIGHTCLUB PROPRIETOR
LEE GIBSONWRAF OFFICER
ADAM GLASSER PETROL PUMP MAINTENANCE MAN
MIKE GORMANENGLAND CRICKET CAPTAIN
STELLA GOODEYMISTRESS TO KING CHARLES THE SECOND
TODD GORDONBUTLER TO THE DUCHESS OF CORNWALL
KATYA GORRIEMAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT
DAVE GREENPUBLICAN
LEO GREENJEWELLER
LEON GREENINGDOOR TO DOOR TEA-TOWEL SELLER
FRANK GRIFFITHSFOSSIL CURATOR AT THE JOHN ‘O GROATS HISTORY CENTRE
MALCOLM GRIFFITHSDENTIST
STUART HALLROAD-SWEEPER
ANDY HAMILLASSISTANT IN CHRISTIAN BOOK-SHOP
JEFF HAMILTONHAIR-STYLE PHOTOGRAPHER’S MODEL
SCOTT HAMILTONWESTERN FRONTIER PROFESSIONAL GAMBLER
SCOTT HAMMONDBUTCHER’S APPRENTICE
MICK HANSONPRISON WARDER ( HAVING RETIRED FROM 14TH HUSSARS (INDIA) )
JIM HARTTHE ACCUSED
GRAHAM HARVEYVALET
JIMMY HASTINGSBISHOP
OLI HAYHURSTRED CROSS DOCTOR
ROBERT HENDERSONOPIUM SMUGGLER
BENJAMIN HERMANFASHION PHOTOGRAPHER
PHIL HEYCNN ANCHORMAN
SPIKE HEATLEYBANK ROBBER
DAVE O’ HIGGINSCO-PILOT
CHRIS HILLARCTIC EXPLORER
NIGEL HITCHCOCKCASTAWAY
MARK HODGSONGOALKEEPER
LAURIE HOLLOWAYMAITRE D’
MATT HOMEDAIRYMAN (FARM)
JACK HONEYBOURNESAMARATIN’S COUNCILLOR
JOHN HORLERDOG BREEDER
GARY HUSBANDLION TAMER
ATILA HUSEYINPERSIAN CARPET VENDOR
MICK HUTTONTUBE DRIVER
BRIAN IDDENHAMEDITOR OF THE DAILY SPORT
DENNY ILETTGAMESHOW HOST
PETER INDGOD
ERIKO ISHIHAREACUPUNCTURIST
NIKKI ILESHEALTH CLUB MANAGER
ALAN JACKSONGREYHOUND TRAINER
ZENA JAMESRIDING INSTRUCTOR
BARBARA JAYEASYJET CHECK-IN LADY
TERRY JENKINS.MARKET STALL WATCH SALESMAN
GORDON JOHNSONCANOE SALESMAN… MIDWEST MOUNTAINEERING
DAVE JONESROWING-BOAT RENTAL ATTENDANT
JULIAN JOSEPHKING
BARB JUNGR.VET
CHRIS KARANCAMEL DRIVER
BRIAN KELLOCKFOOTBALL HOOLIGAN RING-LEADER
ED KELLYFRONTIERSMAN
THAD KELLYMANAGER OF BLOCKBUSTERS (RUISLIP)
STACEY KENTWIMBLEDON CHAMPION 1985
STEPHEN KEOGHVAMPIRE
ANTHONY KERRPOND DESIGNER
TRUDY KERRTHOMSON’S HOLIDAY TOUR GUIDE
CAROL KIDDTESCO CHECKOUT LADY
ADAM KINGBOY BAND MEMBER
PETER KINGGRAVE DIGGER
TIM KLIPHUISCAMBRIDGE BUSKER
SEBASTIAAN DE KROMWINE EXPERT FOR THE SUNDAY TIMES
PAUL LACEYNUCLEAR POWERSTATION OWNER
ORLANDO LA FLEMINGCRICKETER
CLEO LAINEWIFE OF TUTANKHAMUN
DUNCAN LAMONTEDINBURGH TOUR-GUIDE
TIM LAPTHORNVIZ CARTOONIST
JOHN LAWPUPPETEER
PHIL LEEPALL BEARER
DAVE LEWISCLASSIC FM DISC JOCKEY
MARTIN LITTONSECRETARY OF THE DRONES CLUB
MORNINGTON LOCKETTMORRIS DANCER
STEVE LODDERLAND SURVEYOR
PETE LONGPANTOMIME DAME
HENRY LOWTHERCHAMPION ROSE GROWER
INGRID LAUBROCKLONG DISTANCE RUNNER
CHRIS LAURENCELONDON CABBIE
GARETH LOCKRANEESTATE AGENT (NORTHERN ROCK)
ADRIAN MACKINTOSHFARMER, RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MOST RECENT OUTBREAK OF FOOT AND MOUTH
JAMES MADDRENONE OF ROBIN HOOD’S MERRY MEN
BOB MAGNUSSONQUIZ-SHOW HOST
TRISTAN MAILLOTSKI INSTRUCTOR
TINA MAYASSISTANT AT SEFRIDGE’S PERFUME DEPARTMENT
GEORGIA MANCIOASSISTANT AT HARVEY NICHOLAS PERFUME DEPARTMENT
CLAIRE MARTINRECEPTIONIST FOR “STOCKWELL ESCORTS “
  “he’ll be wiv you in twenny minits luv”
ANDREW McCORMACKAPOLLO
TOM MELITOATTORNEY AT LAW
STEVE MELLINGLIBRARIAN
RICHARD MICHAELWILD WEST STOREKEEPER
NICK MILLWARDBMW SERVICE ENGINEER (PARTS DEPARTMENT)
CRAIG MILVERTONBOUNCER
BRIAN MOLLEYEEC TRANSLATOR
MARK MONDESIRFLOOD VICTIM
MICHAEL MOOREDISCIPLE
PAUL MORGANDISGRACED MP
MORPHGHILLIE
CLIVE MORTONOWNER OF SIX NEWSPAPERS AND SEVEN SATELLITE TELEVISION COMPANIES
SARAH MOULEHEADMISTRESS OF CHELTENHAM LADIES COLLEGE
MALCOLM MORTIMOREMALE NURSE
JIM MULLENMEGAPLEX BOWLING SHOE ATTENDANT
DEREK NASHRADIO KENT DRIVETIME DJ
JASMINE NELSONNUN
DAVE NEWTONRUSSIAN SUBMARINE OFFICER
MARK NIGHTINGALEMET OFFICER (TRAFFIC )
RICHARD NILESBRAIN SURGEON
LIAM NOBLECLERK AT BROMLEY UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE
DAVE O’ HIGGINSCO-PILOT
DAVE OHMCENTRAL HEATING ENGINEER
PAT O’LEARYWINDOW CLEANER
BOBBY ORRSECURITY GUARD
MIKE OUTRAMYOUR DAUGHTER’S BOYFRIEND
COLIN OXLEYOPTICIAN
ANDY PANAYISUICIDE BOMBER
EVAN PARKERENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH OFFICER
JOHN PARRICELLITONY, NEPHEW OF ‘THE BIG MAN’……”YOUDON’FUCKWITMEE……IDON’FUCKWICHOO..OK”?
RON PARRYBOMB DISPOSAL EXPERT
DAVID PATRICKFIRE-EATER
JOHN PEARCERIVER POLICE DIVER
KEN PEPLOWSKI.UNDERTAKER
JAMES PEARSONRACING GREYHOUND TRAINER
DICK PIERCEUNEMPLOYED
JOHN PIERCENAVAL OFFICER
COURTNEY PINELEADER OF RELIGIOUS SECT
RICHARD PITECROSSWORD COMPILER
KING PLEASUREBARBER
GARY PLUMLEYDYNOROD MAN
GARY POTTERHAULAGE CONTRACTOR
JAMES POWELLWEALTHY LANDOWNER….(FITZROVIA AND MOST OF SCOTLAND)
TRISTAN POWELLREPORTER FOR GQ MAGAZINE
GERARD PRESCENCERBLUE PETER PRESENTER
NIGEL PRICEPROPRIETOR OF A CAR CRUSHING FACILITY
JOHN RAE & BRIAN SHEILSKWIK FIT FITTERS
RONNIE RAE (SENIOR)RAILWAY SLEEPINGCAR PORTER
CATHY RAECHAMBERMAID
SYLVIA RAEFISH FILLETER
JASON REBELLOICE CREAM VENDOR
JOHN REES-JONESBUS TIMETABLE COMPILER
ZOE RHAMANAIR STEWARDESS
TIM RICHARDSMEDICINE MAN
JIM RICHARDSONBAGGAGE HANDLER – HEATHROW
MARK RIDOUTJUGGLER
AMY ROBERTSPONY CLUB VOLUNTEER (NORTHAMPTON)
OSIAN ROBERTSUNDERMANAGER OF BANANA REPUBLIC
PHIL ROBSONODDBINS ASSISTANT
SEBASTIAN ROCHFORDBY-PASS PROTESTER
DENNIS ROLLINSARSENAL CENTRE FORWARD
STEVE ROSESPECIAL NEEDS CARE ASSISTANT
ANNIE ROSSMADAM
KENRICK ROWEJUDGE
STEVE RUBIETAILOR
RALPH SALMINSTRENDY VICAR
PAUL SAWTELLGEORGE III’S DOCTOR
PHIL SCRAGGBAMBOO FLUTE MAKER
ANDY SHARKEYRECENTLY MOVED PRIEST
KAREN SHARPM&S SENIOR CUSTOMER SERVICES OFFICER
IAN SHAWASTROLOGER FOR “MY WEEKLY” MAGAZINE
MARTIN SHAWRACING DRIVER
BRIAN SHEILS(SEE JOHN RAE)
DAVE SHEPHERDTV EVANGELIST
ANDY SHEPPARDKEY CUTTER
BOBBY SHEWDUCK HUNTER
JULIAN SIEGALWEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER
JEFF SIMKINSSTEAM TRAIN DRIVER
ASAF SIRKISLONG DISTANCE LORRY DRIVER
LEN SKEATDOUBLE AGENT
MATT SKELTONBUTTONS
ALAN SKIDMOREHOLIDAY COACH DRIVER
GWILYM SIMCOCKMEDICAL STUDENT
DAVE SMITHDEEP SEA DIVER
DENNIS SMITHCIVIL SERVANT
TOMMY SMITHWINE WAITER
ARNIE SOMOGYIDRIVER IN CAR ADVERTISEMENT
MARTIN SPEAKEWASHING MACHINE SOAP POWDER SCIENTIST
SIMON SPILLETSNOOKER PLAYER
BRYAN SPRINGPROPRIETER OF A GUN SHOP
NEIL STACEYWAR CORRESPONDENT
LUKE STEELEOWNER OF A RECENTLY INHERITED SHOE FACTORY
NAT STEELESUPPLIER OF SURF BOARDS AND SURFING EQUIPMENT
EUAN STEVENSONJUNIOR HOUSEMAN AT A LARGE HOSPITAL
CURTIS STIGERSCHIP (CALIFORNIA HIGHWAY PATROL)
KATHY STOBARTCLAIRVOYANT
JULIAN STRINGLEINTERIOR DESIGNER
COLM O’ SULLIVANOBITUARIST
STAN SULZMANNRETIRED UK HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION BOXER
JOHN SURMANCOBBLER
MARTIN TAYLORSCRAP METAL DEALER
CLARE TEALCHEESE MAKER
ART THEMENBANKNOTE FORGER
IAN THOMASCARPET FITTER
SIMON THORPEESCAPOLOGIST
KEITH TIPPETFARM LABOURER
CHRISTINE TOBINRESISTANCE FIGHTER
PHIL TODDPOSTMAN
ENRICO TOMASSORAC RECOVERY MAN
TREVOR TOMKINSLOCK-KEEPER
JIM TOMLINSONCAPTAIN OF A STARSHIP
CLARK TRACEYSON OF THE MAN WHO OWNS THE LOCAL KEBAB TAKEAWAY (only allowed to put the pitta on the griddle)
WARREN VACHESERBIAN WAR-LORD
CHRISTIAN VAUGHANTHE WRONGFULLY ACCUSED
EWAN VERNALFRUIT MACHINE SUPPLIER
ANDREA VICARIKENNEL-MAID
SIMON WALLACEMORTICIAN
ANITA WARDELLFEMALE RABBI
STEVE WATERMANGLASS-BLOWER
MATT WATESFIRST WORLD WAR POET
STEVE WATTSCOLUMBIAN COKE DEALER
JIM WATSONDENMARK STREET GUITAR SALESMAN
NICK WELDONBRITISH COUNCIL REPRESENTATIVE (PERU)
DON WELLERGREEK ORTHODOX PRIEST
PAT WHITEGLAZIER
DAVE WHITFORDMOTORWAY MAINTAINANCE ENGINEER
ANNIE WHITEHEADTHE LAST REMAINING GREENHAM COMMON PROTESTER
TIM WHITEHEADSOCIAL WORKER
TREVOR WHITINGCONDUCTOR
DAVE WICKENSEAST-END VILLAIN
GARETH WILLIAMS.SECRETARY OF THE YOUNG WELSH FARMER’S ASSOCIATION
JOHN WILLIAMS (RECORDERS)VICTORIAN BUTTERFLY COLLECTOR
ROY WILLIAMSGEOGRAPHY TEACHER
SARAH WILLIAMSTELEVISION CAMERA OPERATOR
ALEX WILSONSTRIGILIST
JOHN WILSONASSISTANT..”CURRY’S”…..PUTNEY BRIDGE
NORMA WINSTONEHOUSEWIFE
VAL WISEMANHOTEL HOUSEKEEPER
BOBBY WISHARTBOXING TRAINER ( BUCKET, SPONGE, GUM-SHIELD )
KONRAD WISZNIEWSKIHARROD’S TOY DEMONSTRATOR
ANDY WOODDUTY MANAGER, HILTON PARK SERVICE STATION
SIMON WOOLFMONK
BOBBY WORTHPREMIER LEAGUE FOOTBALL MANAGER